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:D para terminar mi día :DFriday, March 14, 2008
20:22 hihi my mother has just told me that i talk to her as if she was my daughter :D she smiled!!! i'm holding my tears!!! i made her a card :D but i'm going to send it to her tomorrow... i want it to be a surprise :D 
2008-03-28 13:01:48
When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always foce. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom!!! Laurie Anderson Catégorie : procrastination ANY OTHER IDEAS FOR SMILING WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO??????Tuesday, March 11, 2008
pub1
pub 2
pub 3 (one of my favourites!!!! yes goddamned! learn other languages!!!)
another learn languages thing (i wanna .... ehem)
it made me cry
Catégorie : procrastination zooSunday, March 9, 2008
yes i'm procrastinating again... but well, what the hell i have not finished my homework and i still have plenty of things to do... today we went to the zoo, as planned... i fell in love with a gorilla, i talked with a boa, i watched the penguinds make love and not war... it was cool!!!
ah the nature!!!! just love it!!! now i have to draw and draw and draw.... the gorilla was fantastik!!!! she was so sad! and at one moment we looked at each other and.... i felt the sadness she had, hihihi... this sounds crazy and i know that people will tell me so (if anyone read this) but, i felt something was not right.... i stood there in silence... just for a while and then i had to leave... the only contact i have here and i have to leave! it's not fair!!!!!!
and look at meeeeee!!!!!! i finally got a picture of myself, though i was dancing in the water and my camera is not so powerfull as i thought grrrrr
got so many pics but well.... i wanted to take a picture of an hypocampus but the acquarium was too dark and he moved so fast!!! :( the coolest image was the honey moon ;) notice the heart and the champaigne hihihi so hilarious!!!!
well, some find the love far far away and have the oportunity to travel hihi
it's time for me to return to travail
Catégorie : procrastination memory... or the lack of it. this is a malady i'm not intending to cure!Thursday, February 28, 2008
photographie? i take out my mind and my camera for a walk. yeah! and i decide to stop to see an interesting church. i wanted to take some pictures of it but grrrrr! i forgot to recharge the battery!!! and i saw this woman trying to take pictures of her and her daughter, she asked me to take them a picture. so i did. i stood there for a while... why taking pictures? i don't want to forget moments of my life so i take pics, maybe i have not much pictures of myself but i remember all the moments when i see them. the moment remains still in a photography. so i can see the rain in my pot-city, the sunshine in my b-country, the smile of my mother, the wisdom of my two grandmothers, the stubbornness of my sister... all my ex-lovers (hihi), and of course, my cat! i have not a lot of pictures as some may think. but the ones i have, even if they seem ugly, extrange, cliche, whatever... they are my history! and history remains just history. but then, my future is also my history... all the things i do now or the ones i'm gonna do... will affect me like the things i've done. (it all sounds so confusing! i know and i'm confussed too XD. and if someone dares to read all the shit i write i'm frankly sorry... but if you have understood anything i've written please, explain it to me because i'm lost! lol!) this is the PACHAKUTI, the time that comes in circles, a spiral... this is history repeating herself. once and once again. in boucle, in an infinit boucle of memories and acts that comes to you... for always. "the love you take is equal to the love you make" - the beatles. i know i have the google-wikipedia culture and the rock-music wisdom. but at least i know something! did i just made up all this? nooo! i knew it already, it was my two grandmothers that have thaught me well! pictures are moments, they are still memories.
GRACIAS!!!! Catégorie : procrastination que dois-je faire?Thursday, February 28, 2008
February 26 (while i was in classes) This wasn't a real great day for me, but it wasn't a bad day either. I woke up, like yesterday and the day before yesterday: I cried. I guess that's what I do now: I cry a little before going to sleep and a little when I wake up. I think it's nobody's fault but this is a wound that doesn't want to heal. So I try to cure myself by letting me cry, when I feel that I cannot take it anymore... (Like taking a dose of a medicine). Healing time I try to heal myself by listening to what I call "happy music", it works! I try to heal myself by working really hard, I try to focus and forget everything else... and it works too! I try to put messages on my msn's personal message to encourage me now that I’ve deleted he and his girlfriend from my contacts and my addresses... and it works too! all these things work, but no matter how hard I try, all these things make me smile for a minute or two and then I see that the emptiness is still there and the urgency to cry comes once more.
"Write it down" A friend of mine has told me to write down everything I feel... that it's a good therapy... (I’ve already knew that) so I use this blog, yes! This blog and no a piece of paper which I’ll be able to burn or tear apart. I use this blog because I feel that it goes beyond my lips and beyond my fingers: it’s like shouting out loud everything I have inside into a space, a cyber space... I know he'll never come to read again all of this stuff. He never cared for me; he must have forgotten me already. All that remains is a bunch of "whys":
Why telling me he loved me? Why trying so hard to believe it? Why using me as an excuse? Why did I accept and believed all he told me when I knew all the time he didn't meant a word? Why does he always search a nice way out, the easy one? Or is it me, that I run away? "Travis - Pipe dreams " " What had you heard ? Was it love?, was it take another walk in the dark? You'll never learn !!!!!"
What is that invisible hand that uses us like puppets? Is it love? Is it selfishness? Is it fear? The first time I remember telling a friend: I think I’m falling in love... he said that it was cool and I answered that it wasn't cool at all for I was not only going against my rules but I knew my heart was going to be broken. But I did it, I couldn't help it. He wasn't by my side, but at least I knew (or thought I knew that he was not lying. until... Yes, there's always one "until" in stories...
Until one day, I expected his messages, and nothing came. No more sms, no more signs, nothing else but an "I’m with her, forget about me and think about something else. Stop writing "I love you's" I’m your friend." The memory is a blessing but to remember things like this, it's a disease! (wow i write this like a proffessional) How to react? This was my question... the answer:" if you love him, let him go". I did love him and I did let him go. I wanted him to be happy. That was my sacrifice. Next day, all things were gray, no sun, no air, no nothing? The void had settled down when I arrived here, but at this moment it started to grow exponentially. "What to do now?" I decided not to cry. When I thought of him I went against my will, against myself, and I felt guilty. the night, before going to sleep I waited for his messages, and in the morning I’d wake up, take a look in the mirror and say to myself "keep strong, you're strong!"
Well, was I? Am I now? Days passed... the works began to accumulate in my agenda. What a nice excuse to forget him! I once talked with his cousin; he asked me what was I planning to do? I told him: "from the deepest part of my painful heart, I will tell you this: I really loved him, what he has done has hurt me, I’m going to fill the emptiness he's left with my works and studies and I will carry on, and if to carry on I have to forget him, I will!" He didn't believe me; I didn't believe it, neither. I had in mind that if I could fill my brain with other stuff until his memory becomes one simply thought to think when I have nothing else to think about". Ouch! That was harsh! "Did it work?" Yes! It did, by half December I did think of him but I had ceased to cry and I was feeling like I had everything under control. Until one day his girlfriend decided to "harass" me by msn. Normally I would have told her to go to hell and stop fucking with my mind and to leave me alone. But (oh! me... oh stupid me!) I thought «do you love him"- yes I do- then make sure he's happy. So I accepted the questionnaire (which was made in the intention to make me feel bad, and it worked perfectly!). At the end she told me we weren't even friends, he didn't wanted to talk with me anymore, and that all the things he once told me were a lie. "All the things he wrote were for her", my mind forced me to write. At the end, it was true. I felt like totally dumb; I was the silly girl that believed everything. That day I learned one new word in French: "vexer". He had cowardly denied everything? Why? 1.-because she was right: i meant nothing to him (and i believed it). 2.-because he loved her so much he had to lie (but everything was true). 3.- i was being used . My heart was bleeding and I was searching a way out. I breathed; I put on a mask and answered what she wanted to hear! I felt bad, I felt worse, I was going to cry but I was in classes. Since then, every time she spoke with me I had to put the same mask. I laughed though she was hurting me. Stop! I had decided to end this blog and all the memories within; I wanted to erase them from my life now they had theirs. "on tourne la page?"
I wrote this in this same blog. This was my decision. I wrote what I had learned, what I was feeling, I felt ready to continue... And then he appeared! And as if nothing had happened we started talking. My heart started to beat inside this chest! The same question appeared: do you love him? Yes, I still love him. Then listen to him, he needs to be listened. But I’ll get hurt once more! - This shall be your sacrifice. I tried to be objective. It was not easy. We talked a lot. He told me about his problems, his fears, his frustrations... and that he was sorry. At this time I should have said "do you love yourself? Then run for your life!" But no, all I said was, everything will be better, talk with her, and don't worry about me, I’m fine :D no need to apologize for doing what your heart told you to do". I wasn't the one you loved, but at least I wanted to be your friend, I realized that I didn't want to let you go. Time passed and he said he loved me. I didn't want to believe it. I answered "I .... too but I’m afraid", yes, I was afraid to believe all this because he was lying and I didn't wanted to have my heart broken, I thought I didn't have the strength to pick up the pieces...) "I’ll be back, The Beatles" "You could find better things to do, than to break my heart again. This time I will try to show that I'm not trying to pretend. I wanna go but I hate to leave you..." By the way, he never realized that the music in this blog was not just music to hear while you read the bullshit I write. It also speaks what I think. If only he had been more attentive, he would have understood many things. "Mmmmm, my baby's got a secret"- Madonna
One night he told me he loved me and I told him my little secret: I loved him back. Damned! My mask had fallen down.
I gave him my heart as a gift. This time, forevermore! What did he do with it? I don't want to remember.
"What to do now?" Sacrifice? The other day I tried to speak with her, she said sorry, got no time. Grrr it was humiliating, but I wanted to tell her that he was still in love with her and she should give him another chance. So, hearing him saying I love you and knowing he didn't mean it, to hear him think his life all over... what to expect? Yeah, at the end I knew I was going to lose. I was so sad. I was under pressure too.
Even when I send him unintended… this was my song, my pain, this was me dreaming… but no. I’ll never be the one and he’ll never understand… I fainted at school. He never knew that. He sent me a message: I know you're sad but I have no words to tell you. I really didn’t need to hear more lies. All I wanted was to hear the truth... he never dared. Ah this word I learned!!!! VEXER... it lingers, it haunts me... it's there every time. « Enya -hope has a place or I want tomorrow? » Which one should I chose? To hope: « look to love and you may see… and if it should leave, then give it wings; but if such a love is meant to be: hope is home and the heart is free ».
Tomorrow: « now I know I must leave your spell, I want tomorrow… »
He’s disappeared without saying goodbye… well; the invisible hand has taken you out of my life. This time it has decided to help me… and to help him. I wish him the best, really.  (<== another tarot card... l'etoile, the hope...)« What now? »
I ask myself… I answer myself:
« Continue fighting and never give up, don’t keep the anger but the best memories, never believe in words wind will erase, learn from your mistakes but keep singing » "Continue praying for him, for him to find a nice job, for him to heal his heart and find new beginnings, for him to be happy" "Continue remembering all the times he made you smile, remember the times you've made him smile" "Continue accomplishing your projects" "Don't turn the page but continue writing, this is your life, what kind of story you want it to be?" Although what I feel is even more complex than all that I have written above (because the union heart-brain is complex too), I’ll stop writing about him, about it at all. I feel a little better today! Today is another day!
Catégorie : procrastination
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i know it's not a highquality picture but the glass was kinda dirty.... what a shame...
(<== this image is from larme ultime, a manga)
(<== from a blog :s i think i'm not the only one asking the same question!) 
(<== a walk in the dark? yeah, i never did learn)
(the three of swords... no need to explain) 
(<==the bohemian gothic tarot. this is the image of the mind taking over the heart... the queen of swords. i was killing my heart by feeding my mind. ). 
(yes, once more the3 of swords...).
(nice pic i loved it)
(ufffff! i'm smiling! but not a fake smile... i have no mask now. i'm really smiling!!!)