LadySceleris

thinking

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

what would i do without you?

i forget who i am

i forget problems

i forget sun

i forget moon

i forget to breathe

i forget everything

when i think of you!

Catégorie : thoughtsindiscontinuity

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welcome (just in case you come back)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

time for changes... yes. it's been a long time i'm here @bloguez. this blog has seen hundreds of things in my life that i have erased, hundred of things i have forgotten, hundred of things i'm living, hundred of things i'm learning...

and now i see that it's gonna change once more...

who is to blame? you! Oo (hi hi just kidding) do you recognize yourself?

yes, i'm talking to you!

i had all the time erased my blog's url in msn when you connected yourself just to avoid you to see what i wrote... not because i was afraid, not because i have something to hide away from you... just because the main purpose of this blog was to express what i have inside that, as you know by now, it's so damned difficult to show, to say, to do... :(

now that you know about this little cyber-space it will be a little more difficult to write some stuff but i'll try to keep it like if you had never discovered it just to keep it real, as it's intended to be.

i'm sorry if you find here any thing that you don't like or that in anyway hurts you...

this blog is a kind of therapy for me and i will just keep seeing it like that... i'm not perfect and if you ever read what i write you'll see it as well.

just know that i love you...

welcome to my mind...

Catégorie : thoughtsindiscontinuity

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vie

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

klimt- l'arbre de vie

well, a reproduction by i don't know who... i don't really care... i'm still sad

i just talked with mum.

she said:

i wanted to have at least one day for the family... to spend at least some hours with all of you. i think i was already feeling it was time for you to go.

i said:

yes. the time we've spent was awesome and full of memories... i regret that they were so few, not because it was your fault or anybody else's but because they were never enough...

sometimes when i'm at my boo's i see outside the window and i think of them... my family... i still miss them...

it's obvious i guess.

the other day as i was in the train with his sister, we talked about how she felt about her mom.

she said that sometimes she feels bad because she's not living any normal girl's life, and that life is so short and that thinking that maybe she'll suffer the same disease...

all of it makes her think that life is really short...

(and indeed it is....)

(when i think all of the time i spend at the window...)

(when i think all of the times i could have huged my grandmother, my two grandmothers, my mother, my "father" )and my sister...)

(where do they go? where do they go all of the words we never say?)

teardrops....

the other day as i was in the train with his sister, we talked about how she felt about her mom.

she said that sometimes she thinks that it's her mums fault.... and suddenly she feels guilty because she thought that... she realises that it's not her mom's fault at all...

sometimes she misses the things she's not living...

(i'm not sure if anyone would understand it.... or anything i write but anyway i'll continue writing)

but she knows that all the time she's not living her life, she's sharing someone else's life, even if sometimes they have nothing else to say... because they have said all thay had to say.

(she reminded me of myself....)

(only that after her death, i decided that i had nothing else to say to anyone else except for my other )(grandmother...)

(i guess i never survived that shock.)

(it's amazing to see that other people confronted to similar problems are stronger than you are.... than i'll ever )(be.)

(as any francophone would say... enfin...)

i'm sad.

and that why i'm writing bullsh!t
one thing is still true... as John Lennon once said:

life is what happens while you're busy making other plans

i'm sad.

and i say to myself that i'm so egoistic because i'm complaining not even having something to complain about while there are millions out there that are really suffering...

shame on me :(

Catégorie : thoughtsindiscontinuity

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i just wonder why

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

days like this i feel sad...

and what's even worst i don't know why

sky is gray, heart is blue

tears are salty... where are you?

~*~

days like this i feel sad...

i wonder, how i wonder !!!

i just wonder why

Once upon a time i would smile

once, before

before i'd die

~*~

days like this i feel dead

i just wonder around in ideas to find the why

sky is gray, heart is blue

and i just wonder "where are you?"

~*~

to whom i write this poem i shall not know...

i just feel the rain upon my brain

words just come, words just go

as people once you'd ever known

i'm not made for poetry, i'm not made for rhymes...

i'm not made for laughing....

am i made for love?

and indeed, am i?

i do love, i do feel it... but do i share it? guess no one knows really what they feel, guess it's something normal, something real, for love, love is only a dream....

days like this i feel sad

and this sadness confuses me like hell

all this confusion leads me to sadness and all the sadness leads me to confusion...

(sigh)

like a wheel it goes and goes....

and i know that maybe no one will understand me, not even me!

i see words become real words in my screen...

are they connected to my heart? to my brain? to what?

guess i just need to...

rest? no, it's not that i'm tired...

i just need...

oh! i found why!

i need!!!!

what do i need?

i just don't know

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!!

Catégorie : thoughtsindiscontinuity

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analisis

Saturday, June 21, 2008

sometimes i think i'll never fit into this new world that opens it's doors to me. sometimes it's so hard to show myself to others. but i still can dream. no one can take it from me. i still can love. i still can survive the pain and open my eyes and say that it was a nightmare.

i feel that i'm leaving my hiding- place.

and in my mind i'm having a battle...

night and day

light and darkness

i don't know how to explain it...

(<= from osho's tarot: schizophrenia)